


it's pouring, we're leaving

by QUEERACHA



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Based on a Finn Song, Blood, Choking, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Kim Seungmin, Mentioned Yang Jeongin | I.N, Past Relationship(s), Smoking, Suicide, don't hate chan after this, i wrote this for coping, please mind the tags, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28841373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QUEERACHA/pseuds/QUEERACHA
Summary: Hyunjin loved him more than the gravity, pulling them steadily.Hyunjin loved him more than he could ever love himself.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin
Kudos: 21





	it's pouring, we're leaving

**Author's Note:**

> this is vaguely based on my past relationship and i was inspired by one of my comfort songs, [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxbA9seVi-o)  
> i recommend listening it while reading.
> 
> pure coping mechanism, hopefully you won't hate me after this.

_ A small breath spreading on his hands, so slow and peaceful. the hand on his chest rubbing it up and down. Hyunjin feels good, once in a while, he can sleep now. He can close his eyes, he’s tired, he can’t think from the fuzziness. Chan rubs his chin too, Hyunjin nuzzles like a puppy to his touch.  _

If all this stayed the way it should, so peaceful and soft, if only everything went the way Hyunjin wanted, maybe he could breathe like this again. 

Maybe, he could love again. But not everything goes the way we want, which harms our brain while we struggle to accept it. 

If Chan was still lying beside his body, maybe it’d be better. Like a lucid dream, Hyunjin trails his hands down on his chest, he rubs so lightly, closing his eyes with pain. The mental pain of not getting love, not from his lover or simply, the one he loved. His mind is a mess already, full and overflowing with many thoughts. 

It always happens.

The reason why he’s sad is because of that. It happens, always, it’s like a heavy pill to gulp. How many bottles of water he drinks doesn’t matter, he can’t let it be in his stomach. 

His vision becoming blurry, his hands trailing to his neck, holding his throat from both sides with two hands. Only if he could end it all, maybe he’d be in peace, maybe…

No one loves him.

As he feels like that, everyone loves him actually, but in his mind, no one does. Not a single person. Everyone wants him to go, disappear, vanish from here. Hyunjin can’t go like this anymore, he thinks, he needs to end it. 

End it all by leaving nothing behind. Not like anyone will care if he doesn’t exist anymore.

Everything passed, everyone changed, yet somehow Hyunjin has always remained and felt the same. The same thoughts, the same pain like years ago when Chan said they can’t keep going anymore.

It was obvious since the beginning, Hyunjin lived with the fear of the day Chan’d go and it came three years ago. Chan had a  fiancée  and three years ago he learned that she’s pregnant. So he had to let Hyunjin go. 

Even though they both loved one another dearly, so they said, it was _ the only possible way _ as Chan thought. 

Hyunjin understood it after Chan didn’t hold him so close and didn’t kiss his eyes for him to feel safe before they dozed off. 

Chan didn’t even look at him. He was like he’s in a rush, a rush that made him say the words as soon as possible and ran away from there. Even though Hyunjin loved him. 

Hyunjin loved him more than anything.

Hyunjin loved him more than the gravity, pulling them steadily.

Hyunjin loved him more than he could ever love himself.

_ It was pouring and he was leaving _ .

Forever.

And without even leaving a call or another shit that could show he cared. Because Chan didn’t care.

Like Hyunjin imagined back then, he said sorry and made his way out. Hyunjin imagined it more than once, since Chan could go to his  fiancée’s  arms any time because they promised each other and exchanged rings. Because Chan didn’t care anymore. The only thing he wanted was to get rid of this burden, called Hyunjin.

Who was Hyunjin then? No one probably.

A pretty boy Chan laid on the bed when he wanted.

The boy Chan cheated on his  fiancée  with.

But why then? Why did Hyunjin feel like he’s on top of the world inside his strong arms?

Chan was an illusion he decided, an illusion that’s so perfect and it ended the way like that. So perfectly, no one was hurt after that. Hyunjin couldn’t feel hurt for two weeks because that was what they should do from the beginning of their affair. Chan told him it’s the best, there was no reason for him to not believe his lover. Well, ex-lover but Hyunjin never liked to pay attention to the small details.

It was a tiny and harmless detail at first, in Hyunjin’s mind. The more he had time to think about it, the more he drowned with the question: how that itty bitty detail turned out so huge? Ex-lover, not current, not at the moment. In the past, back then.

His mind ran in circles for months, Seungmin called him once a week to make sure he wasn't dead yet. 

The endless buzz of his phone, the kettle’s fog spreading on the kitchen cabinet, half of the cigarette, Chan’s only present hoodie he forgot at Hyunjin’s flat that exposes Hyunjin’s collarbones, the crystal-like pieces of that broken glass laying on the floor for three days, Hyunjin is on his bed, his huge hands covering his attractive neck…

Although he was so fine and giggly a few hours ago when he met his friends. He made others laugh until they cried, Jeongin mentioned how he is proud of him because Jeongin thought Hyunjin was getting better. Hyunjin joked about how they, his friends, never came to check up on him at his home but just asked Hyunjin to go and breathe some air outside with them. Hyunjin is still bad and tired, only if they could see the suffering under the mask he wears when he’s around people.

Hyunjin lets his neck go and coughs oh-so-loudly.

It takes seconds for him to realize the kitchen knife on his nightstand with watery eyes. He gets it in his grip.

Why is it there? He wonders. But maybe the reflection of his tired face appearing on the cold metal in his hands is the only answer. Because Chan decided that  _ ending things _ is the only possible way, maybe ending things is really the only possible way out of everything he has been suffering from.

It’s pouring outside, the rain is wild, so is Hyunjin’s mind.

The red stains the gray sheets with glory, meeting with the mattress from Hyunjin’s new cut on his belly. A red line, looking like a bloody road. And another road is being traced near it, by Hyunjin again, this one is deeper than the other one and shorter because Hyunjin  _ somehow  _ lost his power to hold the knife.

Hyunjin feels light-headed. Hyunjin feels drained. Hyunjin feels like he needs a good sleep.

His mind is hazier than before, his eyes are more tired than before, his limbs are more numb than before.

Red paint on his hands, red paint on the knife, red paint on his belly, red paint on the sheets.

Hyunjin can sleep now, he can rest now, he found the answer. 

“The only possible way,” like Chan said back then on his bed before leaving him all alone, “ _ ending things _ .” And yes, it’s not just a possible way, it’s actually the  _ only way _ , as Hyunjin thought. 

He closes his tired eyes, he closes his tired mind, he relaxes his tired body.

He breathes out one last time.

_ It’s pouring and he’s leaving. _

Like Chan did.

Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are really appreciated! please tell me your thoughts!
> 
>  **small note on how i wrote:**  
>  while i was listening to the song, i thought to myself that how i could describe the action "leaving" differently, other than "leaving someone" or "being left alone by the one you love". 
> 
> some people love revenge and the only way to take revenge can be breaking them apart in the same way they hurt you. hyunjin wasn't able to do that, still he wanted to leave chan somehow. and in return, (while i was thinking what hyunjin would do to "leave" chan - because chan has already left him, hyunjin can't be the one who ends their relationship at the end) hyunjin came to the conclusion that he could leave chan by taking the only thing he has, his own life. 
> 
> since i had a time where i thought taking my life was my only option, i wanted to project the struggle i had on hyunjin. 
> 
> hopefully, i could give you what i wanted at the end. 
> 
> nsfw twt: @S3XRACHA  
> check my other fics!


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